Pump...Pump...and Away!!

When I was about five months pregnant I started learning as much as I could about breastfeeding. I started attending a local breastfeeding support group once a month, researching on the Internet, and reading books. (Such as The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding - great book!) I wanted to be fully prepared when my baby arrived. I was so excited about being the sole provider of nutrients to my precious daughter. Within an hour of Addison Grace's arrival, she was breastfeeding. She had a great latch and I remember tearing up the first time thinking, "She's doing it!!" Addison left the hospital weighing her exact birth weight. That first night home she became jaundice and decided she didn't want to breastfeed. And then began the long struggle... I sought guidance from my birthing coach/breastfeeding group leader and she tried everything to help me. She brought in another woman to try and help too. I had all the knowledge I needed to breastfeed, Addison was full term, and I had a 100% natural birth. There was no reasonable explanation for why my baby would not breastfeed. It was devastating to me. Even now talking about it brings tears to my eyes. I desperately wanted it to work. But after seven weeks of trying, emotionally I couldn't take it. Addison was getting so angry at me and I couldn't take the rejection any longer. So I decided that I would stop trying and pump as long as I could.

I don't think many people realize how hard it is to pump full time. You have all the challenges that come with breastfeeding, sore nipples, clogged ducts, cracked nipples, mastitis, and milk supply issues. You have all of the negatives of bottle feeding, washing bottles and all of your pump accessories, waiting on milk to warm while your baby cries, and trying to make sure you always have enough milk when you leave the house. With pumping you CONSTANTLY worry about how much milk you have and if you will run out. After a bad experience with mastitis, I almost completely lost my milk. I had to work day and night for over a month to get it back up. (So that is why I don't sympathise with woman who just give up because their milk is low. There is so much you can do to try and get it back up!) With a pump, you are constantly tied down. I have pumped in countless places...football games, the mall, strangers cars, traveling down the road, concerts, etc. When you are away from home you have to worry about keeping all of your milk warm so it doesn't spoil. While my friends were buying drinks at the bar, I was asking for cups of ice to put in my milk cooler! Forget "Sleep when baby sleeps"...you pump when baby sleeps! And trying to entertain a crying new born or an active infant is like a circus act while pumping! The simple question, "Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding?" is one that could bring you to tears because it isn't that simple for you.

I have pumped day and night for over 8 months now. And emotionally I have had MORE than enough! A small part of me says that I'm so close to year but deep down I just can't do it. The longer I pump, the more frustrated I become and the less likely I will be to do it for my next child. Although I pray that doesn't happen! So I have decided that when Addison turns 9 months old I will began to wean myself from the pump. This isn't easy for me. I've cried many hours over this, counting now as I type this, but I feel like this is what I need to do. But because I don't want Addison's body to go straight from breastmilk to all formula I thought it would be best to introduce her to it now and then little by little transfer her over. Last night I was making her first formula bottle since my mastitis and as I shook it, I started crying. My sweet husband put his arms around me and said, "I hope those are tears of victory because you have worked harder than any woman I know! You have done a great job!" Which made me feel a tiny bit better. He has been so supportive. I'm not sure why I'm so emotional about this. Partly it is because I have had to deal with the loss of the nursing relationship. Something that so many woman take for granted. For some breastfeeding is the easiest thing they have ever done. It kills me to hear woman say that wont ever try or didn't try. I do not look down on people that use formula. Honestly I don't! But I don't understand why people wont at least try to offer their child the best or quit when they aren't having any problems. If I wasn't pumping, I wouldn't stop until she was ready.

As my pumping experience is coming to an end, I try and comfort myself with the knowledge that I will get to try again and hopefully next time will be better. And I take such pride in knowing that I may have failed at nursing, but I have succeeded at breastfeeding!