Tear Stained Letters

Often times I blog and think "I'm glad that I'm not hand writing this because it would be smudged." Have you ever written something very emotional and cried your way through it? I've done that a lot. Usually happy tears or just slightly emotional. I cry when I write on my adoption blog almost every time.

There is a blog I've been putting off posting for about two months. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't put it out there for everyone to read because that would make it "real". My emotions were still too raw.

Something happened to me a couple months ago...I lost my engagement ring.

I always took my ring off to do things like shower, wash dishes, cook, sleep. But I ALWAYS put them in a drawer so they couldn't be stolen by little hands or knocked off. One morning when I went to get my rings, the engagement ring was missing. My wedding band was laying in the same spot in plain view. I was a little scared and thumbed through the drawer. I was in a hurry so I thought I'd run pick up Addison from school and when I got back I'd look and it would be in the drawer. I came home looked, looked, and looked. I searched through everything in the drawer. Took stuff out and even took the drawer out. Started looking through all the other drawers and then taking them out. When I knew I couldn't find it and tears were streaming down my face I called Nathan. I continued to look and cry that day and when he came home he helped me search. Looking through all the same drawers, taking apart the pipes off on both sinks, opening up the drain of the tub, covering every inch of the bathroom, and moving on to the rest of the house. Over the next several days I kept going back that same drawer. Going through the motions of taking stuff out, shaking stuff, taking the whole drawer out again. I kept thinking it would be there. I wasn't willing to except that it was gone. I was depressed and sick. Nathan felt sorry for me. He held me when I needed to cry and searched when it was too depressing for me. Our home owners insurance was only going to cover $1000 if it were stolen and either way that wouldn't even come close to replacing it. We're adopting, Nathan needs a new vehicle soon, paying off our land, and saving for a larger home for our growing family. Value wise it would be years before we can replace it. But sentimentally...it can never be replaced.

The ring that Nathan proposed to me with was more than I could have ever imagined. When we went looked at rings so that Nathan could get an idea of what I liked we were both shocked when we found out how much stuff really cost. He met with a private jeweler that my boss, at the time, suggested. Nathan described exactly what he wanted. I'll never forget the time I first saw it. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't look down at my hand and marvel at this beautiful ring. If I was dressed like a bum, I felt pretty wearing it. Whether I was out in public, at home, or driving down the road I would look down and think, "Wow". Nathan tried to make me feel better by saying that when we replaced it he would get me an even better ring. I just kept saying, "I don't need better because that was more than enough... I need THAT ring." Because although it was gorgeous, it was about the meaning behind it. The ring he proposed with. The ring that I would pass down to my grandchildren one day. The ring he saved for and made payments on. The ring that he picked out. The ring in all my wedding pictures. Even if I ever "upgraded" years from now, I would still want that ring.

I couldn't believe it was gone. I couldn't bring myself to tell more than a couple people. I actually started to dread leaving the house because I didn't have my ring. I didn't want to lift my hands in church at first because people might notice it was gone. I kept my left hand hidden most of the time in public. The Lord began doing a work in me. It has been a very humbling experience. I had to push through the pain I felt to worship. I had to grow through the hurt. I had to accept my loss. I'm not sure the last part ever fully took place. I could not let it go. Any time I've thought about it I felt sick to my stomach. Last night I was praying and I said, "Lord, I need your help to move past this. To get to the place where I can tell people without crying. I just keep believing that each time I open that drawer that it's going to be laying there."

Today when I put on my wedding ring, which I have rarely even been wearing lately, I felt ok. Still sad, but not sick. I walked to the open the drawer and when I opened it...there was my ring!!! In plain sight!! I stood there and I think my heart skipped a beat and I KNOW I wasn't breathing. I leaned over very slowly and all the sounds in the background were suddenly muffled and I reached for the ring and slid it on my finger. I thought I was dreaming. I called Nathan crying. I called my mom crying and she rejoiced with me! I've been to that drawer every day since my ring went missing. Periodically moving things around. Pulling stuff out. Shaking things and not believing it was gone. Nathan has looked through it a few times. Nathan texted me later after I had called and asked how in the world could we have missed it. My reply "I don't think we did. I think it was put there by angels." Last night when I took out my contacts, brushed my teeth, and opened up my glasses case all from the same drawer that I've done every night...it wasn't there. Maybe it's the biggest coincidence. But for me to just open the drawer and it be lying right there for me to see seems like a miracle to me.

So this letter is still filled with tears. If it were hand written you might not be able to read it. The difference is, when the Lord gave me this title a week after it happened...I thought when I finally wrote this that these tears would be from pure sadness. Today these tears are rejoicing and thankfulness!!