I should blog about a lot of things... but really only one thing is on my mind when I think about writing. Adoption.
For once I'm seeking answers that I can't research. I'm desperate to know which way to go and yet honestly have NO clue which path to take. I've spent many hours on the computer just hoping something will jump out at me and yet I'm still no farther along.
Where is our son?
Something hit me so strong a few weeks ago and I knew that it was time to begin! Time to start seriously praying about which country and time to start looking for an agency. I called the first agency on the list and at first was taken aback by the fact that none of the countries I had been thinking about were ones that they used. I got some information about one country that this perticular lady was in charge of. The lady was so nice and answered all of my questions. Very helpful. I called Nathan and started talking to him about it. Started praying and just didn't feel at peace. This wasn't the country for us. Then I spoke with another woman who was just as helpful and nice if not more. We started talking about another country that I had never thought of. We talked for a long time and then began sending emails. I was amazed at how quickly she responded to my questions even at 10 o'clock at night! She even told me that she is an adoptive mother and so is her sister and even if we chose to use another agency that I could contact her any time for help or advice. I was so excited and felt at such peace about this agency! Nathan and I talked more about this other country and he even printed off the application papers. We decided we would take a couple weeks to pray over it before doing anything. I had thought this was the direction for us and I was getting excited...
Friday afternoon something inside me broke. I started having all these doubts and no longer felt at peace. I couldn't escape the feeling that this wasn't the nationality that I had thought we were supposed to adopt. I kept asking myslef "Am I having these doubts because this isn't the path we are supposed to take or are these doubts the enemy's attacks to keep me from this new direction?" It might sound silly to some, but I was so overcome with emotion that afternoon. I was in my bedroom getting ready for a play date and crying. Whispering, "Where are you little guy?". I get worked up thinking about him maybe already being born. I just started praying over the situation once more.
My friend came over and really spoke into my life! We were talking about something not even really related and she said, "Jennifer, I just feel like God is telling me to tell you regarding this adoption that you aren't supposed to search for one specific child, you're supposed to be open to God bringing that child to you." She spoke a lot of other things to me that really blessed me. I KNOW that God picked our 3rd child before he created this Earth. I KNOW that he will bring this all according to pass in his perfect timing!
Even though the wait for some of the countries we are looking at is anywhere from 2-4 years, we will not move forward until we know for sure what we are supposed to do. This new country may be the answer, but it might not. I get anxious because I know our time is coming soon and I can't wait to "begin our adoption journey" but the reality is our journey has already begun. It began in our hearts years ago and the Holy Spirit is at work even now.
Thank you for your continued prayers!! They are much appreciated!!
I am on my knees Holy Father. Resting in the knowledge that your ways are perfect. Seeking your plan for our family.
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