I know some of you may think I'm deep in depression, and to be honest I've felt that way a time or too. So many things piled up and so many emotions. Post pregnancy hormones are not my thing! There are times when in my head I would think, "Jennifer. This is not really as bad as you think it is." but I couldn't change the way I felt or stop the tears from falling. I wrestled with the idea of seeing a doctor and Nathan and I talked about it but it just wasn't the route we wanted to take. I firmly believe that the reason I've been having so many ups and downs the past few years is because I've allowed the enemy to steal my joy. An old song came into my head the other day that I used to sing in children's church.... ("I went to the enemy's camp and I took back what he stole from me, took back what he stole from me. He's under my feet, he's under my feet, Satan is under my feet!") Those are few of the words. It used to be one of my favorites and we would dance to it.
I told Nathan the other night that I'm so tired of just living life. Going through the motions and not being happy. I'm so sick of being sad. It's easy to understand sadness if I had something to really be sad about. I have everything I've ever wanted pretty much. I have a husband who loves me, a nice house, a son and daughter, I get to be a stay at home mom, a Great dane, we're all healthy, big suv, etc. My extended family may have lots of issues, but in these four walls everything is fine. I should be happier. I shouldn't cry this much or feel this way. Nathan and I aren't big on medication. (Not saying anything bad about people who take it, this is just us.) For me I am truly beginning to see this as a spiritual thing. I see things differently than a lot of people because I was raised in a spirit filled church, speaking tongues, casting out demons, etc. So it might sound strange to some, but I believe I've been living with a "spirit of depression". When I'm worshiping God or praying, I truly feel better. Lately, I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough! I'm so thankful and I only wish that I would have been seeking God way before now so I didn't have to go through all of this. I long for joy. I want a passion for life I once had. I want to wake up in the morning and say, "Watch out Devil, I'm up!"
Psalm 30:11 "You changed my sorrow into dancing, You took away my clothes of sadness, and clothed me with happiness."
oh my gosh -- I have felt the same way. I feel constantly tired, edgy, depressed, like I'm just going from one day to the next. I thought about seeing a doctor, too, because I just thought that they might be able to help me. So just know you're not alone!!! For me, I think a lot of it came from Lucy's lack of sleep (and thus my lack of sleep). I just dreaded nighttime and naptime because they were constant struggles. After Lucy went to bed at night I didn't want to do anything fun with Wesley, I just wanted to go to bed because I knew she would be up a couple of hours later. She's a little bit better now (as I'm writing this she got up at 6am this morning and only napped 30 minutes ...phew) but your post encouraged me to consider the spiritual side of it as well and to fill myself with God's word and His strength and not to let the enemy steal from me.
ReplyDelete